911, what’s your emergency?

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Photo by camilo jimenez on Unsplash

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“Um, he’s really boring?”


“OMG! He is boring me to death!”

“Ma’am, like boring with a tool? What kind of tool?”

“So boring. He won’t shut up about his ex-wife, and when he’s not crying about her, he’s talking about his cat. His CAT, for goodness’ sake!”

“This is 911, an emergency service. Do you have an actual emergency?”

“Such a bore! Stupid cat.”

“I am going to hang up now, to free this line for people who have a real emergency. Please do not call unless your life or the life of the people near you is in danger.”

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“This is the worst first date in the history of first dates. Please help me!”

“Sir? What’s your emergency?”

“The emergency is I accidentally spilled some red wine on my lap, and she didn’t even notice. I don’t think she’s even looked me in the face once, as she’s been busy taking selfies. I knew she was a bit younger, but c’mon! … Plus, I don’t think English is her first language… Or second… And probably not third, since she hasn’t actually spoken much more than her name. Sheesh.”

“Sir, I am going to ask you not to call this emergency number unless you have an emergency. This isn’t advice for the lovelorn, real lives are at stake. I’m going to …”

“Hold on now, my life IS at stake. If I don’t bring a date to my sister’s wedding, my parents are gonna…”

“Good bye.”

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“So, the nicest thing about this rude, arrogant son of a bitch is that he was only 15 minutes late. I can’t believe my best friend thought so little of me that she set this up. He hasn’t stopped talking about his expensive car, his expensive house, his trips to Aruba. La di freakin’ da.”

“This is 911, an emergency service. What’s going on with you people? If you and your date are both breathing and not under physical duress or bleeding, it is illegal to call this number.”

“Speaking of rude, aren’t you being a bit overly dramatic. I need to get out of this nightmare of a date, and you want me to bleed. That’s actually kinda cruel.”

“This number is only for emergencies. You do not have an actual emergency, so I am going to hang up now.”

“You were no help at all! To whom do I complain about you? Hello? Hello?”

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“First of all, he lied about his hair in the photo — he’s completely bald, but in his Tinder photo, he’s got a full head of hair. That’s false advertising. And second of all …”

“Ma’am? What is your emergency? Are you hurt?”

“My feelings are hurt, sure. I am always scrupulously honest in my profile, about my weight, my height, my love of gnomes. Why do people lie? I mean, sooner or later, the truth will come out, am I right?”

“Please, ma’am, it is illegal for anyone to call this number unless there is a medical emergency…”

“He said he’s a doctor, too. What? He’s no doctor. I don’t think he’s ever seen a doctor, never mind a dentist judging by those teeth!”

“Ma’am, that does not constitute an emergency.”

“I’m sick to death of lying liars and the lies they tell! I have a good mind to stop trying to find dates on line! Hey, speaking of on the line, are you single?”

“Avoid liars, yes. Single, no. Do not call this number unless you or someone near you is screaming in pain and fear. Have a good day.”

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“There is … blood … everywhere. So. Much. Blood.”

“Oh, thank God!”

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