Become a Winner on Medium and You Absolutely, Positively Have to Read This Article to Find Out How

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by Austin Neill on Unsplash. It’s a really pretty picture, but does not pertain to the article in any way.

I have been writing on Medium since last year, and have read many, many articles, some talking about the importance of attracting an audience and some on how to make money by getting an audience. So now it is time for me to maximize my audience, and I shall use most of the advice. And if I can’t remember it, I’ll just wing it.

First, the most important thing is the title of the blog. I have scoured the most attractive and important articles, and decided that the best way to proceed is to combine the titles of ALL the trending articles out there now.

“What’s the Healthiest Kind of Evangelical Network Protecting War? Or Should Your Boss Always Pay You via The 7 Strategies for Raising Kids to be Good at Money?”

Of course you also can’t lose with “How I overcame Depression, Leprosy and Thinning Hair and You can, too.”

The next thing to do is to be passionate, honest and vulnerable about the subject you are writing about. I am passionate about a great many things, but one of the important issues on my mind lately is space exploration - more specifically colonization of Mars. The reasons for my intense interest are many fold. We need a new place to dump our trash. We need a new base for building U.S. military strength. And we need to be the first to Mars, you know, to be a winner. Honestly, I am opening myself up here, people.

I don’t care if I get negative feedback for this. This is patently not true, please do NOT give me negative feedback, I cannot handle any and all constructive criticism and, after crying about it, I shut down, get under the covers and suck my thumb while in a fetal position. This, “Get Under the Covers and Suck My Thumb While in the Fetal Position” coincidentally, is also the name of my book I am writing about hot yoga, but that’s really not important in the grand scheme of things.

And talking about grand schemes, I have also decided to write a play about Medium, called “Just Right.” It will be about the fact that Medium is neither small nor large, but you know … I won’t give away the ending. It won’t be a musical, but it will include one (and only one) song in it that I will rip-off from Hamilton. All of this is still in the works in my mind.

Now, as you have read this far, dear reader, I will reveal (in a Ted-talk-like style) how you, too, can become a success on this great site. Because I did it, I know that everyone can do it: Write many words, every day. They don’t even have to be in any particular order. But it would help if you put them in an enticing list, for example:

1. My favorite words and how I like to prepare them for supper.

2. Why I feel superior to you, and how you can, too.

3. Dogs and cats are better than your children, and I am going to prove it.

4. Political knowledge is for losers, but if you are not involved, you will be governed by Martians and it will serve you right. (Martians - oooh, sweet refer back to the Mars thing above. Good one.)

5. Why we should never let Martians into our country, since they will not only steal our political jobs, but also rape our hamsters.

And now I will write a short poem about the free press, to show my love and unity for and with them.

Words be quick and words be honest,

Only do what’s good and promised,

Yours is not to do and die,

Yours is to print and vie

For your readers’ short attention,

Don’t talk down in condescension,

Everyone’s got a NEED to know,

It’s not just a right – hell to the no!

Since there are so many readers, like myself, who are struggling with their weight issues, I will throw in some sage advice about eating – it is very important that you eat. If you stop eating, you will die.

I believe that this blog will be the one that will finally put me over the top and crack that illusive 10 reader ceiling that I have been grappling with for a while now. Thank you for reading, and hopefully you will applaud at least 50 times, and pass this article to your best friends and/or just acquaintances. C’mon. Please? I am not too proud to beg.

Written by

Writer and storyteller, immigrant, wife, mom, knitter, collector of jokes, lover of cheap, sweet wine.

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