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Photo by Kayla Farmer on Unsplash

There I was, at home, freaking out a little bit because I have a self-imposed deadline and nothing sounded like anything I wanted to write about. And then I remembered a post from a tremendous writer, Jon Scott, and decided that I was ready to answer some questions and share them with my little universe of readers.

Who do you think you are?

I think I am a labradoodle. You know, a cross between a Labrador retriever and a standard poodle.

No, who are you really? Answer me! Don’t look away. This is important.

All right, all right, you caught me on a lie! I am a chocolate squirreladore. I don’t even know what that is, but I heard a comedian talk about one, and that’s what I am. I am a purebred squirrela … no, I can no longer engage in this charade. I’m mixed-breed martial artist known as @#.

I’m also not looking away. I’m severely wall-eyed. OK, caught on another lie (it’s like I can’t stop!). I am looking away because I haven’t won a single fight. I haven’t even been inside the octagon. Whew, I feel better. It’s true what they say, the truth has set me free.

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done? (No, not the lie you’re thinking of telling — you know what I’m talking about, you disgust me.)

The worst thing I’ve ever done will never be spoken by me. I’m taking that one to my grave. The second worst thing I’ve ever done (true story) is get a friend to start smoking. There is a special place in hell for people like me. The only thing I can say in my defense is that they were clove cigarettes, that numbed your lips yet made them taste sweet when you licked them.

I’m not answering his next question, but only because it’s too long and I’m editing for space. Suffice it to say, I would:

A. do my best to encourage the scorpions to fight each other, and

B. as the different factions are killing each other, I’ll

C. sic the sharks on them.

D. then I’ll go down with the boat, laughing maniacally and rubbing my hands in glee, like a true supervillain.

What is your greatest regret?

My greatest regret is that, after I reached the level of a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, I didn’t continue to study martial arts, didn’t go on to karate or Krav Maga, etc. Now that I am older and overweight, to work on another discipline, even one I invent myself, is a bastard.

Describe one incident from childhood that shaped the person you are today.

That’s easy — immigration from the Soviet Union to the United States. My life is divided into “before” and “after.” It was wonderful, traumatic, exciting, and absolutely one of the best things that could have happened to me. Thanks, Mama and Papa!

On a melting ice flow there is a baby seal. A killer whale attempts to knock the pup into the water by tilting the sheet of ice. As a metaphor for your life are you: (a) The seal pup, (b) The killer whale, (c)The melting chunk of sea ice.

I feel as if I am that melting chunk of sea ice, being tossed about and used. Most of life is outside of my control. Only I am within my control of myself, and even then, not all the time. I almost never feel like “the captain of my soul.” It’s not sad. It’s not happy. It just is what it is.

This question is multi-layer question about being sent back in time, with a pistol, to see if I could kill Hitler, or change him to continue to be an artist, or do nothing and become rich because I know the future and I can make smart investment choices.

This is a loaded question for me: I believe, as a Jew, that it doesn’t matter if Adolf Hitler is killed in childhood or babyhood, or adulthood. Because, and I believe this sincerely, with all my head, there would always be another Hitler, always another murdering psycho with a huge, fanatical following who would rather kill all who are different on the way to some strange world domination. I say “strange” because no one sane truly wants to rule this fucking world, as broken and bleeding as it is.

You’re given the unique opportunity to have your mind re-inserted into a healthy 23-year-old version of yourself and you’re gifted 800 years of life in this body, before the ageing process kicks in again. Do you accept?

I’m going to go with yes. There is a Yiddish proverb that says, “A person should live, even out of curiosity alone.” I am curious about the future, especially if I am given a healthy body to live in, to have adventures in, to love in.

Do you believe consciousness is a cosmic accident?

Yes. Life is a cosmic accident. This planet is a scientific miracle, as oxymoronic as that is. As Bob Ross used to say, let’s rejoice in happy accidents. (He didn’t actually use those words in that order, I’m paraphrasing here and taking liberties I probably shouldn’t. But I did attribute.)

Now, please feel free to answer Jon Scott’s questions, and better yet, do it on the website he provided. Being a Luddite, it’s a minor miracle I can actually open this laptop without hurting myself somehow or breaking it on a daily basis. You’ll be fine.

Written by

Writer and storyteller, immigrant, wife, mom, knitter, collector of jokes, lover of cheap, sweet wine.

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